Did you know that you have three Exes? Don’t worry, I’m not talking about ex-partners! Instead, I’m focusing on Experiences, External Factors and Expectations. These are your Exes and they impact you more than you realise.
The First Ex: Experiences
Let’s travel back into past experiences. Whoever you have met in the past, you have created an experience with them – whether it be brief or deep, positive or tricky. When you meet that person again in the future you will bring your previous experience along with you – and so will they.
If your experience with a person was challenging – perhaps involving differences of opinion, or trying to solve a problem – the memory of this may mean you are cautious about meeting them again. There’s an element of “how will it go this time, based on what it happened last time?” By carrying this with you, subconsciously you are not meeting on the same footing as you did the first time. This could affect how this next interaction goes. Remember too, that their experience of you (that will influence their approach to meeting you again) is not known to you fully. You might have an idea that the past experience was difficult, but it is not a given that they feel the same way.
You also need to be aware of the wider past experiences you carry and how you might, without realising, apply them to your current relationships and interactions. You might be planning to meet someone, with whom you have no particular good or bad past experience. Because the situation of the meeting is similar, in some way, to a previous experience which affected you, you might expect the same story to play out again.
For example, you may have had a tricky relationship with your manager, which made you feel a certain way. When that manager leaves and a new one takes over, you still have the previous experience lurking in your mind. It could affect how you approach this new work relationship.
When all your past history is shaping the attitude you’re showing up with, potentially clouding your judgment, you might become a little more defensive. You might have your barriers up, as a protection method against something unpleasant being repeated.
The ghosts of our past experiences wander the work corridors and we have to be aware of how they influence our current behaviour.
The Second Ex: External Factors
You’re aware of the past, through your Experiences. Now it’s time to take note of the present. While it might be lovely to completely block out the rest of the world and everything that’s going on, we don’t operate in isolation. There are external factors that interrupt our conversations. They could be minor niggles, such as the phone ringing, or wider worries such as political or environmental concerns. These external factors influence how we interact with each other.
For example, you may have planned to catch a train to meet someone. The train being delayed is an external factor that you can’t do anything about. However, if it makes you late for the meeting, or you’ve upset the other person because they’re waiting for you, it might get the meeting off to a negative start.
Being aware of the external factors and how they are impacting our interactions, can give us a better insight into how we feel and how we communicate.
The Third Ex: Expectations
Past. Present. Now the future. As humans we sometimes think we can predict what is going to happen.
At the start of your day, you’ll have plans for what you expect to do, plans for where you want to be and who you’re going to see. Sometimes the day will do your bidding – and sometimes it won’t.
When you’re preparing to meet, or interact with others, you might expect the conversations to go in certain directions. If a conversation doesn’t go as you hoped, here are some ways in which you can help yourself to prepare for the unexpected. Ask yourself:
- Have I thought about the different ways this could go?
- Have I put contingencies in place?
- Have I thought ahead as to what might be needed?
- Am I feeling well prepared?
Your expectations will determine how you show up for each of those meetings, conversations and interactions. If your expectations don’t align with those of the other person, it can create stress and tension.
In a work setting, it’s helpful to make everything as clear as possible, to ensure you are all on the same page. It’s helpful to clarify:
- What is our purpose for the conversation?
- What do we both want to leave with?
- Are those two things compatible?
With this simple preparation you can avoid finding yourselves at cross purposes and alleviate frustrations that could build.
Unmask your Exes!
When you are next considering an action you want to take, or a goal you want to achieve, jot down your thoughts about which of these three Exes might impact your success. Who else will your course of action involve and how will your experiences, external factors and expectations affect them?
To explore your Exes further, either individually or in a team context, then get in touch. I provide 1-2-1 and Team Coaching. Call me on 07766 004 964 or click here to book at time to talk.
